Archive for the ‘Jokes Text’ Category

Here’s Some Great Jokes!
Happy Holidays!!

Top 10 Funny Thanksgiving Jokes Thumb
TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #1
Just before Thanksgiving, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is weather report that you should email,tweet, or skype to your Mom.

This Thursday Turkeys will thaw in the morning then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid and if you bother the cook be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be
expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #2
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any leftovers?

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #3
Two Cannibals are having Thanksgiving Dinner…
One turns to the other and says: “You know I just can’t stand my mother-in-law.”
The other replies: “Then try the mash potatoes.”

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #4
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks!

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #5
It was just after Black Friday following Thanksgiving in a local county courthouse where a judge was questioning a stupid looking prisoner.

He asked the prisoner who was in the dock ‘What are you charged with?’
The prisoner wise cracked ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early’.
‘That’s no crime’ said the judge. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’
‘Before the shop opened’ answered the prisoner with a silly grin.

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #6
You know you’re American when you line up at 3am on Black Friday so that you can save $5 at Walmart!

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #7
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #8
Why do turkeys always go “gobble gobble”?
Because they never learned good table manners

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #9
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

TOP 10 Funny Thanksgiving Joke #10
‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned — The dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen Flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes
Pickles and carrots beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round
Till all of a sudden I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky.
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

 

Source: http://jokefarm.blogspot.com

What Kind of Meds are these Doctors On??? LOL

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Source: Tickld

 

 

 

I’ll Bet The Judges Have Heard It All! Ha!

Shit People Say In Courtrooms PinterestSource: Everythingfunny.org

21 Creative Ways To Drive Someone Crazy…
The BEST of the BEST! LOL

ways to drive people crazy Pinterest
 
 
 
Source: http://www.pinterest.com

Funny Short Jokes

Posted: October 23, 2014 in Humor, Jokes Text
Tags: , ,

funny_jokes-245285

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho… Alaska!

Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It’s sweeping the nation!

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
A: An irrelephant.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!

Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A-Dell

Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It’s dread-full.

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
A: Ton.

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T

Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!

Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
A: LMAYO

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: a thesaurus.

Q: “How do you shoot a killer bee?”
A: “With a bee bee gun.”

Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
A: Clean Jokes!

Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: “Where’s Popcorn?”

Q: What do you call sad coffee?”
A: Despresso.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.

Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them

Q: How do you make an Octupus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles

Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.

Q: What’s the first bet that most people make in their lives?
A: the alpha bet

Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!

Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!

Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the “spot.”

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!

Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name

Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!

Q: Which is the building is the largest?
A: The library because it has the most stories.

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.

Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.

Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.

Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.

Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed

Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.

Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.

Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic

Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch

Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it’s over your head!

Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A: USB

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a bogey in it.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: He just flipped.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.

Q: Did you ever hear about that movie constipation?
A: It never came out.

Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear

Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious

Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.

Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.

Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.

Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: a Roman Catholic

Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle

Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I’ll hang around

Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!

Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!

Q: What did Delaware?
A: a New Jersey

Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!

Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!

Q: Did you hear the one about the geologist?
A: He took his wife for granite so she left him

Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!

Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!

Q: What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
A: Cool Music

Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!

Q: What do you call a window that raps?
A: 2PANEZ

Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!

Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.

Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!

Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!

Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream?
A: Depeche a la Mode.

Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!

Q: What do you get when you plant kisses?
A: Tu-lips (two-lips)

Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are to little to smoke!

Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
A: Transparents

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!

Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank?
A: The Nutella!

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!

Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
A: They don’t have the guts.

Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese

Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!

Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
A: He got stuck in Orbit.

Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.

Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic

Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.

Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!

Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered

Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud

Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because is saw a lolly pop

Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler?
A: They say he couldnt stop throwing up!

Q: What kind of driver never get a parking ticket?
A: A screw driver

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.

Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: Sherbet

Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant

Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
A: It’s the one rated Arrrr!

Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.

Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.

Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!

Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.

Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they’re all in High School!

Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each “s”!

Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: it wooden go!

Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you!

Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A: A Frisbee.

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
A: Thunderwear

Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!

Q: What do you call a magician on a plane?
A: A flying sorcerer!

Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He wanted to get to the bottom.

Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid

Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty

Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!

Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
A: It was quite an oar deal.

Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!

What would you do if I stole a kiss?
Call the Police

Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina

Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you’re eating a watermelon!

Q: What did the tailor think of her new job?
A: It was sew sew.

Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!

Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn’t concentrate!

Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!

Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!

Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!

Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!

Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!

Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
A: She couldn’t control her pupils!

Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.

Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.

Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.

Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers.

Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.

Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring.

Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: What runs but doesn’t get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.

Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!

Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!

Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!

Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!

Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!

Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!

Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?
A: Because he’s always spotted!

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!

Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!

Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people’s arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn’t know the words!

Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinners on me

Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!

Q: What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
A: The temperature!

Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.

Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.

Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!

Q: What do you call a house that likes food?
A: a Condoment!

Q: What runs but can’t walk?
A: The faucet!

Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!

Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!

Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.

Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock

Q: What do you call leftover aliens?
A: Extra Terrestrials.

Q: What’s taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.

Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!

Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.

Did you hear about the injured vegetable?
Some say he got beet.

Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.

Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
A: Runway inflation.

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ?
A: Never mind. I don’t want to spread it around

Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
A: a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: a rectangle

Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.

Q: Why didn’t the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: because it was rated arrrrr

Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: SUPPLIES!

Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I’ll hang around!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A: He woke up.

Q: What the difference between you and a calendar?
A: a calendar has dates.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Tentacles.

Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
A: Bridge over troubled water.

Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
A: He was booed off stage.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
A: Nostralgia.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the “barking” lot!

Q: How do spiders communicate?
A: Through the World Wide Web.

Q: Why are chefs so mean?
A: They beat eggs and whip cream.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who’s whole left side was cut off?
A: He’s all right now.

Q: Did you hear about the paper boy?
A: He blew away

Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: Did you hear about the circus fire?
A: Yeah, it was in’tents’.

Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.

Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
A: Their making headlines…

Q. What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.

Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow.

Music Teacher: What’s your favourite musicle instrument?
Fat Kid: The lunch bell

Q: Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate).

Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!

Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
A: He resisted a rest

Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
A: He tux him in

Q: What is a tree’s favorite drink?
A: Root beer!

Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To prism!

Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships

lol = Drowning Man.
*lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A kid jumped into a mud puddle.
Want to hear a clean joke?
A kid jumped into the bath.

“Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.”

I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.

Today I gave my dead batteries away….Free of charge.

Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.

Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it’ll always get you the RIGHT ONES.

I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I’m so bright my mother calls me son.

My eyelids are so sexy, I can’t keep my eyes off them.

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What fits your schedule better……Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?

Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver

I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

I have never seen a fruit PUNCH and a cereal BOX

If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.

A three legged dog walks in the bar and says – “I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot my paw”

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk

A butcher goes on a first date and says ‘It was nice meating you’

two lumps of vomit are flying through the air one says to the other ”you look upset” the other one says ”I know i was brought up around here.

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Why does no one on icarly have a dad?

I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.

Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it’s delivered by a car it’s a shipment?

Man delivers load of bubblewrap. Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.

I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.

“When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot……that way people visit more often.”

Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don’t have to heat hot water?

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”

Can you remember how to do fractions?

 

Source: YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBUVGPsJzc1U8SECMgBaMFw

Dirty Places

 

Dirty Cities and places in the world thumb

  1. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
  2. Assonet (Massachusetts, USA)
  3. Bastard (Norway)
  4. Bastardstown (County Wexford, Ireland)
  5. Bear Butte (South Dakota, USA)
  6. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
  7. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
  8. Beaver Lick Baptist Church (11460 US Hwy 42; Union, KY 41091-9483;USA)
  9. Big Bone Lick State Park (Kentucky, south of Cincinnati; USA)
  10. Bonar Bridge (Scotland)
  11. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
  12. Bumpass Creek (Alabama, USA)
  13. Butte City (Idaho, USA)
  14. Butt’s Corner (New York, USA)
  15. Chinaman’s Knob (Australia)
  16. Climax (Colorado, USA)
  17. Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)
  18. Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)
  19. Cocke County (Tennessee, USA)
  20. Cunt (Spain)
  21. Cunter (Switzerland)
  22. Devil’s Dyke (United Kingdom)
  23. Dikshit (India)
  24. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
  25. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
  26. Dongo (Congo – Democratic Republic)
  27. Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
  28. Erect (Randolph County, North Carolina, USA)
  29. Fairy Glen (Saskatchewan, Canada)
  30. Fanny Bay (Australia)
  31. Fertile (Iowa, USA)
  32. Flasher (North Dakota, USA)
  33. Fucking (Part of the municipality of Tarsdorf, in the Innviertel region of Upper Austria)
  34. Frenchman Butte (Saskatchewan, Canada)
  35. Fuku (Shensi, China)
  36. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
  37. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
  38. Fukum (Yemen)
  39. Gayhead Island (Martha’s Vineyard, MA…..yes there is a ferry to Gayhead Island)
  40. Gaylordsville (Connecticut, USA)
  41. Gassville (Arkansas, USA) Gnaw Bone (Indiana, USA)
  42. Hardup (Utah, USA) Hell (Michigan, USA)
  43. Hold With Hope (Greenland)
  44. Hookersville (West Virginia, USA)
  45. Humptulips (Washington, USA) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
  46. Kisslegg (Bavaria, Germany)
  47. Knob Lick (Kentucky, USA)
  48. Koksoak River (Canada)
  49. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
  50. Lick Run (Pennsylvania, USA)
  51. Likwang (China) Little Dix Village (West Indies)
  52. Lord Berkeley’s Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
  53. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
  54. Moorhead (Mississippi, USA)
  55. Muff (Northern Ireland)
  56. Naked City (Indiana, USA) Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
  57. Onenut (California, USA)
  58. Packwood (Iowa, USA)
  59. Penisthorpe (England, recently changed to Pensthorpe)
  60. Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK)
  61. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
  62. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
  63. Seymen (Turkey)
  64. Shafter (California, USA)
  65. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
  66. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
  67. Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)
  68. Smuts (Saskatchewan, Canada)
  69. Stains (France)
  70. Stillorgan (Ireland)
  71. Smackover (Arkansas, USA)
  72. Tingley (Iowa, USA)
  73. Titisee (Freiburg, Germany)
  74. Tittybong (Australia)
  75. Tong Fuk (Japan)
  76. Top Ryde (New South Wales, Australia)
  77. Turdo (Romania)
  78. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
  79. Wank (Germany)
  80. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
  81. Wankener (India)
  82. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
  83. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
  84. Wanks River (Nicaragua)
  85. Wankum (Germany) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

    Source: ORIGINAL Material

These are so Punny Ha!

 

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Source: Viralnova

What These Drug Dealers Did Was Pretty Brilliant. Just Not Brilliant Enough For The Cops.

There’s a reason the United States has a multi-billion dollar war on drugs. They have to compete against some of the craftiest people you’ll ever see. For instance, do you remember the story about the drug kingpin who was raided? Click here to see what police found in his enormous estate. For every slight of hand trick or secret the authorities finally do catch on to, there’s a million more slipping right under their noses.

I’m not talking about the guy who folds loads of drugs in between his sock rolls. Or the woman who sneaks a little weed in her make up bag. I’m talking about some people who were probably high out of their minds when they came up with their smuggling techniques. This is probably the main reason why the authorities have a tough time catching on. You’d have to be high to think of some of these ways to smuggle drugs and illegal items. These creative smugglers may want to consider using their ingenuity for legal purposes.

 

smuggling_011. Those are some pricey croissants.

smuggling_022. Your breasts are addicting….

smuggling_033. Keep away from children… and everyone.

 

smuggling_044. Don’t make an ass of yourself.

 

smuggling_055. Surprise ending!

 

smuggling_066. They shouldn’t have used his frantic arms. He’s just asking to get busted.

 

smuggling_077. That’s a lot of cocaine!

smuggling_088. Nobody would buy this in real life. This probably tipped the cops off.

 

smuggling_099. Poor poisonous tree frogs.

 

smuggling_1010. That’s a lot of gay lube!

 

smuggling_1111. Kitties don’t like opium. Everyone knows that.

 

smuggling_1212. Why would you ever bring snakes to Australia? Just walk outside.

 

smuggling_1313. Those look nothing like Pringles!

 

smuggling_1414. Well they didn’t try very hard, now did they.

 

smuggling_1515. Canadians….

 

smuggling_1616. Wouldn’t the Wii pads be more expensive than the pot that fits inside?

 

smuggling_1717. Launching drugs or not, I want this!

 

smuggling_1818. Don’t fly with seafood. Ever.

 

smuggling_1919. This guy is nuts…..and bolts…. teehee.

 

smuggling_2020. Hopefully this doesn’t melt.

 

smuggling_2121. And prisoners need diapers because?

 

smuggling_2222. This one is not worth the money.

 

smuggling_2323. Was this Robocop who caught on? How did anyone notice the “orange hue”?

What These Drug Dealers Did Was Pretty Brilliant. Just Not Brilliant Enough For The Cops.

<< PREV
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There’s a reason the United States has a multi-billion dollar war on drugs. They have to compete against some of the craftiest people you’ll ever see. For instance, do you remember the story about the drug kingpin who was raided? Click here to see what police found in his enormous estate. For every slight of hand trick or secret the authorities finally do catch on to, there’s a million more slipping right under their noses. I’m not talking about the guy who folds loads of drugs in between his sock rolls. Or the woman who sneaks a little weed in her make up bag. I’m talking about some people who were probably high out of their minds when they came up with their smuggling techniques. This is probably the main reason why the authorities have a tough time catching on. You’d have to be high to think of some of these ways to smuggle drugs and illegal items. These creative smugglers may want to consider using their ingenuity for legal purposes.

1. Those are some pricey croissants.

smuggling_01

2. Your breasts are addicting….

smuggling_02

3. Keep away from children… and everyone.

smuggling_03

4. Don’t make an ass of yourself.

smuggling_04

5. Surprise ending!

smuggling_05

6. They shouldn’t have used his frantic arms. He’s just asking to get busted.

smuggling_06

7. That’s a lot of cocaine!

smuggling_07

8. Nobody would buy this in real life. This probably tipped the cops off.

smuggling_08

9. Poor poisonous tree frogs.

smuggling_09

10. That’s a lot of gay lube!

smuggling_10

11. Kitties don’t like opium. Everyone knows that.

smuggling_11

12. Why would you ever bring snakes to Australia? Just walk outside.

Here’s a list of why you should avoid Australia completely.

smuggling_12

13. Those look nothing like Pringles!

smuggling_13

14. Well they didn’t try very hard, now did they.

smuggling_14

15. Canadians….

smuggling_15

16. Wouldn’t the Wii pads be more expensive than the pot that fits inside?

smuggling_16

17. Launching drugs or not, I want this!

smuggling_17

18. Don’t fly with seafood. Ever.

smuggling_18

19. This guy is nuts…..and bolts…. teehee.

smuggling_19

20. Hopefully this doesn’t melt.

smuggling_20

21. And prisoners need diapers because?

smuggling_21

22. This one is not worth the money.

smuggling_22

23. Was this Robocop who caught on? How did anyone notice the “orange hue”?

smuggling_23

Not going to lie, some of these are pretty genius and it’s
impressive that the authorities caught on to their drug schemes.

The crayons in jail. How would anyone ever catch on to that?
They say that illegal money is easy money.
It must be, for these guys to go through these lengths to smuggle illegal things.

 

Source: http://www.sliptalk.com

 

 

 

Sexual Exhaustion

Cramped Hand

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “You can write with your other hand then.”

Source: Original Content Damn Straight Need Not Apply