Archive for October, 2014

Break out your accordion,
crank it up to eleven,
insert insanity,
and get prepared to
laugh so hard you’ll
pee your pants!

Here we share our
adored ruler of parody
11 crazy facts about
“Weird Al” Yankovic
that will surly surprise you!

slide_376746_4425908_freePhoto Credit: http://www.gettyimages.com

Wierd Al Yankovic started playing the accordion at age 7.

 

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He is incredibly smart! Weird Al was the valedictorian of his high school.

 

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He acquired the nickname “Weird Al” while he was attending school for architecture at Cal Poly. While he was enrolled at California Polytechnic State University in  San Luis Obispo, Weird Al was a host for a radio show under the At California Polytechnic State University at San Luis Obispo, Yankovic hosted a radio show under the stage name “Weird Al”.

 
slide_376746_4426060_freePhoto Credit: http://www.gettyimages.com

His first single, “My Bologna,  was also born during his college days.
Weird Al recorded his first parody (The Knack’s song “My Sharona”) in a college washroom.

 

slide_376746_4426532_freePhoto Credit: http://www.ap.org

“Ricky,: an spoof of “I Love Lucy” and of Toni Basil’s hit “Mickey,” was his first song to make it to the Top 100 hits.

 

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His most recent release called “Mandatory Fun,” is the first comedy album to actually debut at number 1 on the list in over half a century

 
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Coolio is the only artist who would not legally allow Weird Al to parody his song.
A mistake in commuication with Yankovic, Coolio, and Coolio’s record label eventually ended up with Weird Al realeasing “Gangsta’s Paradise” parody against Coolio’s demands. Yankovic quickly sent an official personal apology and now only accepts permission directly from the preforming artist.

slide_376746_4427254_freePhoto Credit: Vinyl Tap
“Like a Surgeon” is the one and only parody idea that Weird Al did not create all by himself.
 
 
slide_376746_4432334_freePhoto Credit: http://www.gettyimages.com

He was refused a job working at McDonald’s. The Golden Arches company declined his post-college application due to the fact that he was overqualified.

 

slide_376746_4432406_freePhoto Credit: Vinyl45s

The number 27 subtly is heard in many of Weird Al’s songs. He first started using the number simply because it was a “pretty funny number.” When fans finally realized the references, he purposely started integrating the number 27 into his material more often. For instance, in the Michael Jackson parody, “Fat,” he says he ate every Twinkie on 27th Avenue.

 
 
slide_376746_4432656_freePhoto Credit: http://www.wireimage.com/

Weird Al has won a total of 3 Emmy Awards. He got one for Best Comedy Recording for “Eat It” (1984), Best Concept Music Video for “Fat” (1985), and also Best Comedy Album for “Poodle Hat” (2003).

 

Do You Like A Good THRILLER MOVIE?

Funny Horror Movies and Memes
Joined together – these GIFS
are so funny, they
will have you cracking up
as your soul makes its
journeys into your nightmares!

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7 ad99ea152d51e67d170becb8b2c533e2

6 66d8b6c9a204a4cddd030b59588537fd

5 b231e32e5012f89501f7b06fd539d655

4 1f8609aa03597bd86f1a0818a1fb2c26

3 77d3f2d8930c0ac39e36d70c3ef96e9e

2 68d2395a08f9eaec458efcd475023993

12 79da14567fbeeadb5bd0ca7711b5c648

11 dc97a0bb10e013a681db6389e9f07a90

10 98b25fbc857e294c2276849366991065

8 022ad6603b748f909104860c2e544b1d

1 7ec892da263adb4c49ed6008213c7e15

13 3bc0e16ce1c4583849b3b2dc7f64c9b7

9 2702c0f64e9df001173bf91623200297

 

 

 

 

Image Source: http://www.collegehumor.com

CREEPY
UNSOLVED MYTERIES

Most Incredible Stories! WOW!

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1. Who Put Bella in the Wych Elm?

On 18 April 1943, in Hagley Woods in Worcestershire, England, 4 youngsters who were searching for birds nests discovered a human skull inside an elm tree. They shouldn’t have been in the area – so they left the skull there. Notwithstanding, the most younger kid told his parents that him and his friends found a skul. The parents notified the police, who discovered the human skeleton, a shoe, a wedding ring, and sections of dressing, alongside a severed hand that was buried around the area.

As told by  Brian Haughton:

“The task of examining the body fell to Prof. James Webster, then head of the Home Office Forensic Science Laboratory in the West Midlands, who, just prior to World War II, had set up the West Midlands Forensic Science Laboratory at Birmingham University. After a detailed examination at the lab at Birmingham, Professor Webster ascertained that the woman was probably about 35 years old, five feet tall, with mousy brown hair and irregular teeth in the lower jaw. She had also given birth at least once. He estimated that she had been dead for at least 18 months before she was found.

In other words she had died in about October 1941. There were no marks of disease or violence on the body, but her mouth had been stuffed with taffeta. The coroner declared it murder by asphyxiation, and stated that the woman was probably murdered and then pushed into the hole while still warm, as the body would not have fitted into the hollow trunk after rigor mortis had set in.’

At that point graffiti started to show up. It began around Christmas on that year. As The “Independent” reported:

“Who put Luebella down the wych-elm?” said the first one, in nearby Old Hill. “Hagley Wood Bella”, said another, in Birmingham. Gradually, the messages – which seemed to be written by the same hand – took what was to be their settled form: “Who put Bella in the wych-elm?” they asked.

The Wolverhampton Express and Star got a letter in 1943 asserting that the lady was involved in a spy ring who has been giving out info about weapons production lines to the Germans, while a London scholastic thought the passing was because of a black magic ritual spell. A Radio 4 program in August that year recommended two conceivable possible victims: a Dutch lady who had got plastered drinking liquor and been left in the tree by her drinking mates, and a Birmingham prostitute.

In the long run, the graffiti halted. And after that, 50 years later, somebody posed the question once more. It has still not been resolved.

 

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2. D.B. Cooper

On November 24, 1971, an unidentified man wearing a white shirt, slender dark tie, dark suit, overcoat, and sunglasses and briefcase went to the air terminal in Portland. He said he was Dan Cooper and climbed aboard the  Northwest Northwest Airlines 305, a Boeing 727 flight to Seattle that had 36 travelers. As The

Watchman said in 2007:

“Once the plane was in the air, headed for Seattle, he lit a cigarette and ordered a bourbon and soda. Then he passed a note to the 23-year-old stewardess, Florence Schaffner, who at first assumed he was flirting, and didn’t bother to read it. “Miss, you’d better look at that note,” Cooper replied. “I have a bomb.” She looked the piece of paper. “I have a bomb in my briefcase,” it said. “I will use it if necessary. I want you to sit beside me.” Schaffner sat down, and Cooper opened his bag, revealing a mass of batteries and wires.

He told the plane’s pilot, through Schaffner, that he would set it off on the off chance that he wasn’t given $200,000 in cash and 4 parachutes. At the point when the plane arrived in Seattle, Cooper’s requests were met and the travelers were let off the plane. The plane, now just containing Cooper and some employees, left for Portland. Cooper gave each of the team $2,000, and afterward hopped out of the rear of the plane into a substantial rainstorm with 21 pounds of $20 bills strapped to his bofy.

The mystery man has never been seen again.

His criminal act appears to have been intricately arranged. He demanded the bills ought to haverandom, not sequential, serial numbers (the FBI quickly photographed each one so a microfilm record was created). It’s thought that he requested the 4 parachutes so the FBI would think he was going to force one of the employees to jump out with him and also that they wouldn’t give him a faulty unsafe parachute, so he wanted backup.

He additionally appeared to have extensive knowledge of flying, as he was able to recognize Tacoma from the air and indicating familiarity with the wing flap angles, refueling times, and the way that the airplane stairs could be opend up and lowered down. While the records differ, he appears to have been considerate to the plane’s staff, paying his beverages tab and asking for dinners for them when the plane was in Seattle. There are different presumptions on the probability of this man in his 40s surviving a 10,000 foot bounce into below zero temperatures while wearing a business suit; numerous people accept the idea that he didn’t even figure out how to open his parachute.

A portion of the cash was found in 1980, which for a few specialists recommended Cooper was dead at the lowest part of the Columbia River. None of alternate bills have ever been found.

There have been scores of guaranteeing leads and suspects throughout the years, however Cooper’s personality has never been affirmed. Whatever befell him, he vanished into the night.

anigif_longform-original-5866-1414132497-33. Roberto Calvi – God’s Banker

On 18 June 1982, Roberto Calvi, nick-named “God’s Banker” on account of his work with the Vatican, was discovered hanging from the platform under Blackfriars bridge in London. Calvi was an executive at Banco Ambrosiano, Italy’s second-biggest bank, which was found in 1978 to have been illicitly exporting lira. On June 5 1982, Calvi informed Pope John Paul II cautioning of a catastrophe of unimaginable proportions in which the Church will suffer the gravest damage”. Banco Ambrosiano bottomed out during that month with debts of up to $1.5 billion. The Vatican would implicitly recognize some obligation in 1984 when it consented to pay $224 million to the 120 lenders of the fizzled bank.

On June 10 Calvi fled to Venice before heading to London on a private airplane. He had been absent for 9 days when his body was found with bricks in his pockets and £10,000 of money on his body. An investigation observed that he had committed suicide, however, after 20 years, in 2002, the truth he was killed was affirmed by a private forensic team that discovered no indication or evidence injuries generally brought about to an individual’s neck by hanging.

In 1991 it was charged that Francesco “Frankie the Strangler” Di Carlo, a mafia godfather who lived in England since the late 1970s, was the executioner. He conceded being approached for the murder to hire job, yet said that when he’d been reached, Calvi was at that point dead.

The request to execute Calvi obviously originated from mafia manager Giuseppe Calò and bank lender Licio Gelli, Grand Master of the most powerful P2 masonic lodge. Calvi was a part of P2, as, by the way, was future Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi.

In 2005, The Autonomous reported:

“Two Roman investigating magistrates, Judge Maria Monteleone and Judge Luca Tescaroli, sent Mr Gelli a judicial letter informing him that he is formally under investigation on charges of ordering the murder along with four other people – Flavio Carboni, a shadowy businessman with secret service contacts, his girlfriend Manuela Kleinsing, the Cosa Nostra boss Giuseppe Calo and an entrepreneur, Ernesto Dioatallevi. The four other suspects were indicted on murder charges in April and are to stand trial in October.

The prosecution said their intention had been to prevent Calvi from using blackmail power against his political and institutional sponsors from the world of Masonry, belonging to the P2 lodge, or to the Institute for Religious Works [the Vatican Bank], with whom he had managed investments and financing with conspicuous sums of money, some of it coming from Cosa Nostra and public agencies.”

Gelli wasn’t charged with any crime in the end, however, Carboni, Kleinsing, Calo, Dioatallevi, and Calvi’s bodyguard Silvano Vittor were. All were vindicated. In 2012 Di Carlo gave a meeting to The Observer in which he said:

“I was not the one who hanged Calvi. One day I may write the full story, but the real killers will never be brought to justice because they are being protected by the Italian state, by members of the P2 masonic lodge. They have massive power. They are made up of a mixture of politicians, bank presidents, the military, top security and so on. This is a case that they continue to open and close again and again but it will never be resolved. The higher you go, the less evidence you will find.”

 

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4. Jack the Stripper

Somewhere around 1964 and 1965, an obscure serial killer stalked the boulevards of west London killing prostitutes and leaving their bodies in or close to the Thames. There were 6 affirmed victimized people, and two that were unverified on the grounds that they didn’t fit the executioner’s MO.

The main exploited person, Hannah Tailford, was discovered completely naked, floaating by a barge in the Thames in February  of 1964. Her undergarments had been stuffed in her mouth as a stifler, and some of her front teeth were lost. Several months after the fact, in April, Irene Lockwood was found close to where Tailford’s body had been found. Police quickly joined the cases. A serial killer was free to move about at will. Helene Bathelemy’s body was found in a back road close by shortly after. The body of Mary Fleming was found in July. Bits of paint had been found on the bodies of Barthelemy and Fleming. As the Murder Map website explains:

Detectives were still trying to track down motorcar spray-painting premises when Margaret McGowan, alias Frances Brown, was found dead on November 25. Her body was hidden under rubble and a dustbin lid in a Civil Defence car park in Hornton Street in Kensington.

“Frances Brown” had been in the newspapers the previous year when she gave evidence at the trial of osteopath Stephen Ward, one of the central figures in the Profumo affair. She had last been seen getting into a car – believed to be a Ford Zephyr or Zodiac.

The last victimized person, Bridget “Bridie” O’hara, was found behind a shed on the Heron Trading Estate in Acton in 1965. A security guard who worked there took his life in 1965 was intensely suspected, however, never affirmed as the executioner, in spite of being linked to the killings by the bits of paint found on three of the bodies.

The executioner was named Jack the Stripper by the news media. One book asserted that the killer was the light-heavyweight boxing champion Freddie Mills, who shot himself in the head in his auto (accepted to be suicide, however, his family thought he was killed). In 2010, local authorities announced he accepted the culprit was a man who had been indicted killing two youngsters in the 1920s.

 

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5. The Oakville Blobs

On August 7, 1994, translucent, jelly-like blobs, each one purportedly half the measure of a grain of rice, fell at a homestead in Oakville, Washington. As indicated by this report from a neighborhood paper, a preparatory examination by Washington State Department of Ecology researchers discovered they had once been alive. A clinic lab expert said they seemed to contain human white blood cells, however, this was questioned by the first set of researchers.

The paper likewise said that the manager of the ranch, Sunny Barclift, was attempting to figure out what the blobs were after his little cat kicked the bucket and a few people in his family felt queasy. They additionally reported a portion of the townsfolk thought the blobs were brought on by the US Naval force dropping live bombs into the ocean 10–20 miles off the coast: “The thought was that jellyfish remains may have been exploded into the mists where they were later scattered in precipitation.” Different speculations incorporate military biological weapons testing, leaking airplane waste, or a trick from the town’s occupants.

 

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6. The Tamám Shud Case

In December 1948 an unidentified man was discovered dead on Somerton shoreline in Adelaide, Australia. Early endeavors to find out who he was failed; there was no dental record match, and he only possessed on him basically just cigarettes and some loose change. The autopsy raised suspicions: His spleen was enlarged, his liver expanded, and there was blood in his stomach. This, alongside the way that he’d been seen drooping down on the shoreline before his passing, all pointed to the assumption that someone had poisoned him, yet no hint of toxin was found. Various false ID’s were made, however by the summer of 1949 little advancement had been made.

At that point things got truly peculiar. Here’s the means by which Smithsonian Magazine let it known:

“The police had brought in another expert, John Cleland, emeritus professor of pathology at the University of Adelaide, to re-examine the corpse and the dead man’s possessions. In April, four months after the discovery of the body, Cleland’s search produced a final piece of evidence – one that would prove to be the most baffling of all. Cleland discovered a small pocket sewn into the waistband of the dead man’s trousers. Previous examiners had missed it, and several accounts of the case have referred to it as a “secret pocket,” but it seems to have been intended to hold a fob watch. Inside, tightly rolled, was a minute scrap of paper, which, opened up, proved to contain two words, typeset in an elaborate printed script. The phrase read “Tamám Shud.”

These two words (misprinted by daily papers as “Taman Shud” at the time, and the name has stuck) are the last expressions of the Persian poetry verse known as The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam; they signify “it is completed”. It had been torn from a copy of the book that had been tossed into an auto close to the shoreline, and that book contained a telephone number fitting in with a previous nurse, alongside a cipher the police couldn’t solve.

The previous nurse told the police she’d given the book to a man named Albert Boxall: the case gave off an impression of getting it solved – straight up until the point they called at Boxall’s home and discovered him fit as a fiddle, with the book the medical caretaker had provided for him. The words “Tamám Shud” were still in it: the bit of paper didn’t originate from that book.

The case has never been explained. One inquisitive subtle element is that an alternate man passed on in Australia after the war having – it is said – conferred suicide by toxic substance. He had a duplicate of the Rubayat by his side. In 2013 60 Minutes gave information that the previous nurse (who had by one means or another figured out how to get the police to grant her wishes to hide her name) was Jessica Thomson, and that her girl accepted she may have been a Soviet spy who had a child with the man. Not long from now a previous UK criminologist said he accepted the code may have alluded – at any rate to some degree – to a British post-war aircraft.

 

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7. The Locked-Room Murder

Isidor Fink immigrated from Poland to New York City who possessed (and existed in) a laundromat on 5th Avenue. He was dreadful of thieves so kept the windows nailed closed tight and all the entryways bolted.

At 10:30 pm on March 9, 1929, his neighbor, Mrs Locklan Smith, heard shouting and the sound of a battle. A policeman arrived, yet the entryway was bolted from within and the windows nailed close. He discovered an open transom window over the front entryway and helped a kid through it.

Fink was discovered lying dead at the back of the laundromat, shot twice in the chest and shot once in the left hand. The short proximity gunfire wound on his hand affirmed he had not been shot through the transom window. It was esteemed an “insoluble mystery” by New York police official Edward P. Mulrooney.

Here are two conceivable arrangements: One, Fink was shot by a very small sized executioner who figured out how to climb into the room through the transom window. Profoundly improbable, however not inconceivable. Two, the one proposed here: that he was shot outside, stumbled inside, and bolted the entryway, making his own particular puzzle. Less improbable, yet at the same time unlikely.

 

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8. The Wydecombe Storm

This is less an unexplained puzzle but rather more one whose exact points of interest are blurred by the separation of time. We know something happened in Wydecombe, Devon, in 1638, and we know it included a storm – its simply that we don’t know precisely what. It gives the idea that lightning, in some structure, hit the town’s congregation.

In this contemporary record we become aware of:

“A most prodigious and fearefull storme of wind, lightning and thunde, mightily defacing Withcomb church in Devon, burneing and slayeing diverse men and women all this in service-time, on the Lords Day Octob 21 1638.

In an alternate record we find out about a man whose cash, in his satchel, was melted down by the lightning – but then the handbag was just harmed with small gaps, as though made by a needle.

Another account from the Victorian period portrays how “a strange darkness fell” that halted the assemblage perusing; then, after thunder, there was “terrible strange lightening”, and “a great ball of fire came in at a window” and ricocheted around the congregation, scratching “lime and sand” off the walls, slaughtering three men before detaching the chancel door.

It happens to say (brace yourself):

Robert Mead, warrener to Sir Richard Reynolds, (he probably lived at Warren House Pit, near the Dart, on Spitchwick Common), had his head cloven into three pieces, his brain thrown whole to the ground and the hair stuck to the pillar which was indented as though with cannon shot.

Obviously, the precision of these records must be called into inquiry. What truly happened at Widecombe? Was this an uncommon occurance of ball lightning, which in spite of various questionable observer sightings for a considerable length of time, was just (and still, after all that seemingly) caught on film surprisingly for the first time this year?

Obviously, there’s an additionally fun local myth that proposes it was all the work of the fiend, who came to claim the spirit of an unmoving speculator called Jan Reynolds who’d nodded off in chapel. The best bit of the story is toward the end:

The last anybody ever saw of Jan Reynolds was the point at which they passed over the field by the Birch tor mine, the Devil was holding the figure of the boy and the stallion was moving higher into the sky. As the steed climbed four of the playing cards tumbled from Jan’s pocket and floated down to earth. At the point when the cards hit the ground they left four imprints which serve as a cautioning to all potential “soul dealers” and any individual who set out to play cards in the church.

 

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9. The Dyatlov Pass Incident

On February 2, 1959, 9 skiers kicked the bucket in the northern Ural mountains. Nothing especially amazing about the way that skiers, even accomplished ones, lose their lives in such cold below zero conditions.

Until you hear further points of interest. It seemed they’d tore their tent open from within, 5 of them frozen to death close it, and most disquieting of each of, them 4(just discovered 2 months later), bore noteworthy wounds, including cracked skulls and broken ribs. One was missing her tongue and eyes. There were no outer wounds to the bodies.

The primary set of bodies were just wearing what they wore to bed while the other 4 were somewhat dressed in pieces of clothing that belonged to others. At the point when the apparel was forensically tested, large amounts of radiation were found.

A standout amongst the most famous hypotheses is that the explorers were gotten in a torrential avalanche – however a few scientists have raised questions about the probability. In spite of the fact that there are any number of others.

The St Petersburg Times reported:

Declassified files contain testimony from the leader of a group of adventurers who camped about 50 kilometers south of the skiers on the same night. He said his group saw strange orange spheres floating in the night sky in the direction of Kholat-Syakhl.

Space Aliens? Weapons testing? An oddity lightning strike? Nobody knows for sure.

Photo Credit:  Jack Noel.

WOW!

Sex Toys of Terror!
These Will Give You Nightmares! LOL

1. Dr. Macaura’s Pulsocon Blood Circulator (around 1880–1920)
1 enhanced-5320-1413993540-14
Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

As per the Antique Vibrator Museum, this gadget had “a strong vibration and a sound like a ratchet.” Now that should get you “in the mood”.

2. The Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator (1906)

2 enhanced-14796-1413996682-19

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

This looks more like turn-of-the-century dental gear than something intended for joy.

3. The Arnold Knead Vibrator (1909)
3 enhanced-26233-1414079086-27Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved /
Via constanceanderic.com
 

As indicated by the Vintage Vibrator Museum, famous writer Mark Twain possessed an Arnold; we’re still not persuaded.

4. The Infra-Red Hotness Massager
4 enhanced-31633-1414080800-6
Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

“Scientifically designed small to reach the small crevices and contours of the face and body.” Infrared heat on your little fissure sounds like an awful thought.

5. The Polar Club Electric Vibrator (1928)
5 enhanced-29481-1413996968-5Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

It’s difficult to envision this electric vibrator being at all tranquil or tactful. How is it possible this would feel great?

6. The Rolling Pin Heat Massager (1932)
6 enhanced-16292-1413995722-7Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

A heated massage sounds great in principle, yet would you truly like to jab yourself with a hot moving rolling pin?

7. The Oster Stim-U-Lax for Barbers  (1948)
7 enhanced-3749-1414079778-1Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. /
Via constanceanderic.com

This threatening strap-to-your-hand model had “forceful vibrations” and a “large, strong motor.”

8. The Stim-U-Lax Junior
8 enhanced-25165-1414081601-7Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

On the off chance that the first Stim-U-Remiss is a bit much for you, you could attempt the less intimidating model, which is… just as annoying.

9. The Vibrosage (1933)
9 enhanced-23096-1414081347-19Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

This little gentleman is somewhat lovable… until you take a gander at the spiked connection.

10. The Handy Hannah (1950)
10 enhanced-24604-1414083609-8Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © All Rights Reserved. /
Via vintagevibrators.com

Unmistakably intended to make your labia grimace.

11. The Niagra Hand Unit (1965–1976)
11 enhanced-19978-1414082471-15Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. /
Via constanceanderic.com

In the event that you were not sure, the pointed end goes UP. (Isn’t that uplifting news? The Niagra had the endorsement of Good Housekeeping Magazine.)

12. The Wahl Hand-E Vibrator (1957)
12 enhanced-19776-1414080618-11Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. /
Via constanceanderic.com

While the Hand-E vibrator was the precursor to some advanced vibrators, it’s still a bit terrifying.

13. The Spot Reducer (1950s)
13 enhanced-25165-1414081503-1Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

LOL! It’s R2-D2! I don’t think I want MY SPOT REDUCED! … In the same way as other early vibrators work, the Spot Reducer asserted to help the user get more fit and lose weight. It likewise offered a vibrating rubber suction cup.

14. The Hollywood Vibra-Tone (1940s)
14 enhanced-10450-1414081932-3Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

An alternate model that guaranteed weight reduction (and bad dreams).

15. The Chic Electric Vibrator (1910)
15 enhanced-28023-1414083822-1Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © All Rights Reserved. /
Via vintagevibrators.com

There’s literally nothing chic about this.

16. The Vibra-King Activator (1922)
16 enhanced-24530-1414082633-19Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. /
Via constanceanderic.com

This looks… forceful.

17. The Prelude 3 (1976)
17 enhanced-12014-1414082417-17Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. /
Via constanceanderic.com

We can’t get too energetic about a vibrator that has the color and general appearance of orthopedic shoes.

18. The Massage Master VII (1928)
18 enhanced-12014-1414082417-17Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. /
Via constanceanderic.com

I’ll PASS…

19. The Eskimo 750 (1949)
19 enhanced-1560-1414082115-4Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. /
Via constanceanderic.com

Don’t you yearn to get all cozy up at home with this on a chilly winter’s eve? *SCREAMS*

Here are some AMAZING FACTS
about HALLOWEEN
that you probably never knew before!

mapsoftheworld_comPhoto Credit: mapsoftheworld.com

1. Not everyone in the world celebrates Halloween, for example, in Australia and France, Halloween is simply an undesirable, hyper-marketed American commercialized money making strategy.

 

suce

2. So the fact that Halloween is the second most commercialized holiday in America, with Christmas being number one, who can blame those countries for feeling that way?

 

money

3. You may wonder…. how successful? Well, Halloween is a $6 billion dollar money making industry.

 

mask

4. Halloween is believed to have originated around 4000 B.C., which means Halloween has been celebrated for over 6,000 years and is one of the oldest celebrations in the entire world.

 

All

5. Halloween is actually the Christian holiday called “All Hallows Eve. Anyhow the Christian occasion likely established itself in the Celtic holiday, Samhein, or various other pre-Christian agricultural harvesting celebrations.

 

immigrants

6. Furthermore, Halloween was brought to America by migrants from Europe who would hold a harvest festival around a campfire, telling spooky stories, dancing, singing, and fortune telling.

 

celts

7. Therefore, a large portion of the traditional Halloween customs have their roots in ancient Celtic beliefs, for instance, the ancient civilization of Celts suspected that spirits and phantoms meandered the farmland on Halloween night. They started wearing masks and scary costumes to abstain from being perceived as people to the evil spirits.

 

Jakc

8. The Irish brought the custom of cutting pumpkins into Jack O’Lantern to North America. Surprisingly, the first Jack O’Lantern was not a pumpkin. Pumpkins did not exist in Ireland. Ancient Celtic societies in Ireland cut turnips on All Hallow’s Eve, and put an ash in them, to scare off evil spirits.

Here’s how the Tale goes, A significant number of the stories, focus round Stingy Jack. Here’s the most mainstream story:

Stingy Jack was a hopeless, old drunkard who took joy in playing tricks on pretty much everybody: family, companions, his mother and even the Devil himself. One day, he deceived the Devil into climbing a fruit tree. After the Devil climbed the tree, Stingy Jack quickly put crosses around the base of the tree. Not able to touch a cross, the Devil was trapped in the tree. Stingy Jack made the Devil swear up and down to him not to take his spirit when he kicked the bucket. When the Devil made a guarantee to not to take his spirit, Stingy Jack cleared away the crosses, and the Devil descended out of the fruit tree.

Numerous years after the fact, Jack passed on, he went to the Pearly Gates and was told by Saint Peter that he was mean and pitiless, and had headed a hopeless, Stingy Jack was not permitted to enter Heaven. He then went down to Hell and had to deal with the Devil. The Devil kept his guarantee and would not permit him to enter Hell. Jack was terrified. He had no place to go, however, but to wander about a oblivious Netherworld in the middle of Heaven and Hell. He asked the Demon how he could leave, as there was no light. The Devil threw him a coal from the fires of Hell, to help Stingy Jack find his way. Jack had a Turnip with him. It was one of his most loved foods, and he usually had one with him. Jack burrowed out the Turnip, and put the coal the Devil had provided for him, inside the turnip. From that day forward, Stingy Jack wandered aimlessly about the earth without a resting spot, lighting his path as he ran with his “Jack O’Lantern”.

On All Hallow’s Eve, the Irish dug out Turnips, rutabagas, gourds, potatoes and beets. They put a candle in them to scare off the evil spirits and keep Stingy Jack away. These were the first Jack O’Lanterns. In the 1800’s several waves of Irish immigrants came to America. The Irish settlers immediately found that Pumpkins were greater and simpler to cut out. So they utilized pumpkins for Jack O’Lanterns.

 

turnips

9. In England, Jack-O-Lanterns are generally made using turnips. The Halloween custom came to America through Irish migrants, and since turnips weren’t affordable so the new Americans utilized pumpkins instead.

 

bulk

10. So now we do Pumpkin carving everywhere in America and some other countries around the globe. Many people try to compete with their Pumpkin Carvings. Halloween celebrators in Highwood, Illinois took the world  record in 2011 with 30,919 Jack-O-Lanterns lit at the same time.

 

jacko

11. More surprising facts about the Jack-O-Lantern as per the Guinness Book of World Records, the quickest time to carve a face on a pumpkin is 20.1 seconds, accomplished by David Finkle of the England. David finished the chore on Oct. 7, 2010, while filming a Halloween documentary for BBC Television.

 

trick

12. Apparently one of our most loved Halloween traditions, Trick-or-treating developed from the old Celtic convention of setting treats and food outside so as to pacify the evil spirits who wandered the streets of Samhain, a sacred celebration that officially marked the end of the Celtic calendar year.

 

beggin

13. However before that, there was “Souling”, a medieval Christian precursor to the act of Trick-or-treating in which the poor would go around to houses on Hallowmas (November 1) offering prayers to God for the dead in return for soul cakes.

 

belle

14. Then again, not everybody is fond of Trick-or-treating, In 2010, Belleville, Illinois, turned into the most recent American city to boycott Trick-or-treating for children in excess of 12. Teenagers can face fines from $100 to $1,000 for going Trick-or-treating.

 

city

15. All things considered, most significant urban communities see the tourism profits of major Halloween occasions and Halloween all in all. Salem, Massachusetts and New Orleans are the conventional hotspots for celebrating Halloween in the America, with New Orleans bragging of the world record for the biggest Halloween Party with 17,777 people in costumes all at the same time.

 

fear

16. This is all great stuff… unless you are diagnosed with Samhainophobia  (Fear of Halloween).

 

halloweenchi

17. Also when kids are more than twice as liable to be killed in a car accident by getting hit by a car on Halloween than on any other night, this fear may not be totally insane.

 

bonfire

18. Discussing the celebrations, did you realize that the saying “bonfire” comes from Halloween festivities? Amid the pre-Halloween festival of Samhain, bonfires were lit to guarantee the sun would return after the long winters. Frequently, Druid ministers would toss the bones of cows into the blaze and, thus, “bone fire” simply was called “bonfire.”

 

witch

19. While we’re on the subject of word origins, did you know that the expression “witch” originates from the Old English Wicce, signifying “wise woman.” Truth be told, Wiccan were exceedingly respected individuals at one time and as per mainstream belief, witches held one of their two principle gatherings, or sabbats, on the night of Halloween.

 

balckcat

20. However, today, witches are considered to be bad news, their Black Cat pets  also. Black Cats get negative criticism on Halloween in light of the fact that they were once accepted to be witch’s subordinates and defenders of witches’ forces. Nonetheless, in England its the quite the opposite. White Cats are accepted to be bad fortunes and Dark Cats are accepted to bring good luck.

 

Owl

21. Aside from Black Cats, the Owl is likewise a well known Halloween icon. In Medieval Europe, people thought owls were witches, and to hear an owl’s call implied somebody was going to kick the bucket.

 

scarecrw

22. Furthermore, how about we not disregard the Scarecrow which symbolizes the ancient farming bases of the occasion.

 

Diadelose

23. Halloween is not generally commended by means of witches, black cats, scarecrows, and pumpkins. Mexico for instance, commends the Days of the Dead (Días de los Muertos) on the Christian holiday All Saint’s Day (November 1) and All Souls’ Day (November 2) rather than Halloween. There the people spruce up like demons and parade down the roads.

 

Hallow

24. Sort of arbitrary, yet did you realize that the 1978 motion picture “Halloween” was produced with very little money, to the point that they utilized the least expensive mask that they could find to use for Michael Meyers? Which ended up being a William Shatner Star Trek mask?

 

Houdini

25. Sort of incidentally frightening and creepy, Harry Houdini (1874-1926) was a standout amongst the most acclaimed and obscure magicians who ever existed. For some odd reason, he passed on in 1926 on Halloween night as an aftereffect of a ruptured appendix brought on by getting three stomach punches.

 

Photo Credits: List25

Funny Short Jokes

Posted: October 23, 2014 in Humor, Jokes Text
Tags: , ,

funny_jokes-245285

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho… Alaska!

Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It’s sweeping the nation!

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
A: An irrelephant.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!

Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A-Dell

Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It’s dread-full.

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
A: Ton.

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T

Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!

Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
A: LMAYO

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: a thesaurus.

Q: “How do you shoot a killer bee?”
A: “With a bee bee gun.”

Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
A: Clean Jokes!

Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: “Where’s Popcorn?”

Q: What do you call sad coffee?”
A: Despresso.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.

Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them

Q: How do you make an Octupus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles

Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.

Q: What’s the first bet that most people make in their lives?
A: the alpha bet

Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!

Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!

Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the “spot.”

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!

Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name

Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!

Q: Which is the building is the largest?
A: The library because it has the most stories.

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.

Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.

Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.

Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.

Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed

Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.

Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.

Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic

Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch

Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it’s over your head!

Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A: USB

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a bogey in it.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: He just flipped.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.

Q: Did you ever hear about that movie constipation?
A: It never came out.

Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear

Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious

Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.

Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.

Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.

Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: a Roman Catholic

Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle

Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I’ll hang around

Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!

Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!

Q: What did Delaware?
A: a New Jersey

Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!

Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!

Q: Did you hear the one about the geologist?
A: He took his wife for granite so she left him

Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!

Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!

Q: What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
A: Cool Music

Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!

Q: What do you call a window that raps?
A: 2PANEZ

Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!

Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.

Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!

Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!

Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream?
A: Depeche a la Mode.

Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!

Q: What do you get when you plant kisses?
A: Tu-lips (two-lips)

Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are to little to smoke!

Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
A: Transparents

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!

Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank?
A: The Nutella!

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!

Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
A: They don’t have the guts.

Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese

Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!

Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
A: He got stuck in Orbit.

Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.

Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic

Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.

Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!

Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered

Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud

Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because is saw a lolly pop

Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler?
A: They say he couldnt stop throwing up!

Q: What kind of driver never get a parking ticket?
A: A screw driver

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.

Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: Sherbet

Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant

Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
A: It’s the one rated Arrrr!

Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.

Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.

Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!

Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.

Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they’re all in High School!

Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each “s”!

Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: it wooden go!

Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you!

Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A: A Frisbee.

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
A: Thunderwear

Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!

Q: What do you call a magician on a plane?
A: A flying sorcerer!

Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He wanted to get to the bottom.

Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid

Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty

Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!

Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
A: It was quite an oar deal.

Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!

What would you do if I stole a kiss?
Call the Police

Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina

Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you’re eating a watermelon!

Q: What did the tailor think of her new job?
A: It was sew sew.

Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!

Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn’t concentrate!

Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!

Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!

Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!

Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!

Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!

Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
A: She couldn’t control her pupils!

Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.

Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.

Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.

Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers.

Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.

Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring.

Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: What runs but doesn’t get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.

Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!

Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!

Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!

Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!

Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!

Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!

Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?
A: Because he’s always spotted!

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!

Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!

Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people’s arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn’t know the words!

Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinners on me

Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!

Q: What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
A: The temperature!

Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.

Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.

Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!

Q: What do you call a house that likes food?
A: a Condoment!

Q: What runs but can’t walk?
A: The faucet!

Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!

Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!

Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.

Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock

Q: What do you call leftover aliens?
A: Extra Terrestrials.

Q: What’s taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.

Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!

Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.

Did you hear about the injured vegetable?
Some say he got beet.

Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.

Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
A: Runway inflation.

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ?
A: Never mind. I don’t want to spread it around

Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
A: a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: a rectangle

Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.

Q: Why didn’t the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: because it was rated arrrrr

Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: SUPPLIES!

Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I’ll hang around!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A: He woke up.

Q: What the difference between you and a calendar?
A: a calendar has dates.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Tentacles.

Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
A: Bridge over troubled water.

Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
A: He was booed off stage.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
A: Nostralgia.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the “barking” lot!

Q: How do spiders communicate?
A: Through the World Wide Web.

Q: Why are chefs so mean?
A: They beat eggs and whip cream.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who’s whole left side was cut off?
A: He’s all right now.

Q: Did you hear about the paper boy?
A: He blew away

Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: Did you hear about the circus fire?
A: Yeah, it was in’tents’.

Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.

Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
A: Their making headlines…

Q. What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.

Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow.

Music Teacher: What’s your favourite musicle instrument?
Fat Kid: The lunch bell

Q: Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate).

Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!

Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
A: He resisted a rest

Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
A: He tux him in

Q: What is a tree’s favorite drink?
A: Root beer!

Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To prism!

Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships

lol = Drowning Man.
*lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A kid jumped into a mud puddle.
Want to hear a clean joke?
A kid jumped into the bath.

“Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.”

I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.

Today I gave my dead batteries away….Free of charge.

Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.

Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it’ll always get you the RIGHT ONES.

I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I’m so bright my mother calls me son.

My eyelids are so sexy, I can’t keep my eyes off them.

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What fits your schedule better……Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?

Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver

I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

I have never seen a fruit PUNCH and a cereal BOX

If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.

A three legged dog walks in the bar and says – “I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot my paw”

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk

A butcher goes on a first date and says ‘It was nice meating you’

two lumps of vomit are flying through the air one says to the other ”you look upset” the other one says ”I know i was brought up around here.

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Why does no one on icarly have a dad?

I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.

Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it’s delivered by a car it’s a shipment?

Man delivers load of bubblewrap. Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.

I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.

“When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot……that way people visit more often.”

Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don’t have to heat hot water?

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”

Most Awesome Easy To Make
Home Made
Meme Halloween Costumes
Sure To Be  A Hit!

18 ikea-monkeyPhoto Source: http://brookemstephenson.blogspot.com
17. Ikea Monkey

There’s not a day that passes by when I don’t ponder the Ikea Monkey. You only need a shearling-type coat (or a brown coat). Toss on ear muffs or make your own monkey ears out of construction paper and a headband. Haul around an Ikea pack and look completely lost.

16 ryan-gosling-wont-eat-his-cerealPhoto Credit: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.435468829895453.1073741825.120271361415203&type=3
16. Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal

This originates from sheer genius for the yearly HallowMeme party. It’s ideal for any couple or friends. One individual takes on the appearance of Ryan Gosling (print out a mask helps) and other person wears all dark and tries to feed him some cereal.

15 shibe-dog-costumePhoto Credit: http://pikdit.com
15. Wow Doge

Could we simply take a moment to acknowledge the shocking quality of this outfit? Print out a mask sized  picture of Doge. Write different expressions on a white sheet and wrap it over yourself. Wallah! Now you are Wow Doge!

14 first-world-problemPhoto Credit: http://hallowme.me
14. First World Problems

I can not stop laughing! On the off chance that you have brown hair, you already have part of the costume! If not, simply get yourself a brown wig. Print your choice first world issue and stroll around acting exceptionally irritated.

13 nigelPhoto Credit: http://curbappealinsleepyhollow.blogspot.com
13. Smashing!

Nigel Thornberry is an incredible character to use for a Halloween costume, however you can bring about a noticeable improvement by being Nigel the Smashing meme! Dress your head up like Nigel with a red wig and mustache and dress your lower body like a Princess or whatever you think works!

12 deal-with-itPhoto Credit: http://instagram.com/
12. Deal With It

So straightforward, yet so powerful. Write “Deal With It” on a t-shirt bring sunglasses with you. Put them on and off through the day or night. And bring your best attitude!

 
11 soonPhoto Credit:  https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.435468829895453.1073741825.120271361415203&type=3
11. Soon

A creepy costume indeed, however its clever. Simply wear a shirt that says “SOON.” and gaze eerily at people.

 
10 inbread-catPhoto Credit: http://ideas.coolest-homemade-costumes.com
10. Inbred Cat In Bread

Paint yourself into a cat with cosmetics or face paint, put on some cat ears and make a giant slice of bread out of a poster board. You’re now an inbred cat!

 
9 scumbagPhoto Credit: http://imgur.com/
9. Scumbag Steve

Who said Scumbag Steve must be a man? This Halloween costume is flawlessness. You will need a brown velour hoodie, brown tank top, brown flatbill cap and a golden chain. Stroll around with a big attitude.

 
8 philosoraptorPhoto Credit: http://www.coolest-homemade-costumes.com
8. Philosoraptor

I’m fixated on this Philosoraptor outfit! You can either get a raptor mask from a costume suplier or simply print out a large Philosoraptor head and make yourself. Wear a toga and discuss philosophical stuff.

7 chemistry-catPhoto Credit: http://asd.gsfc.nasa.gov
7. Chemistry Cat

LOL! Chemistry Cat is an amusing meme and has some extraordinary pickup lines. You will require some feline ears or a cat hat like this, a red bow tie, glasses and a scientist’s jacket. Toss in a couple of plastic beakers or plastic test tubes to complete the outfit.

 
6 nyan-catPhoto Credit: http://www.costume-works.com
6. Nyan Cat

How charming is this?! This Nyan Cat costum is really kind of complicated, however you can make it simpler. Wear a pink dress with dark stockings and grey boots. Put on light black cat ears and attach a cloth or paper rainbow behind you!

 
5 grumpy-cat-costumePhoto Credit: http://www.flickr.com
5. Grumpy Cat (Tard)

Grumpy Cat is my most loved Kitty. This ensemble is super simple and super cool. You should simply put on some Grumpy Cat makeup and wear a sign that says “No.” … or one of Grumpy’s other quotes.

4. ermahgerd

Photo Source: http://alexandramal.blogspot.com
4. Ermahgerd

Ha! I adore this ensemble to such an extent. Put your hair in pig tails and carry around with you a few Goosebumps books. You can wear whatever you need, yet in the event that you have sweater vest Really tops it off!

3 mckayla-not-impressedPhoto Credit: http://theme-me.com
3. Mckayla Is Not Impressed

This thought will never get old. This costume will require a grey coat, jogging pants, flowers and an award medal. Put your hair in a slicked back pony tail and try your hardest “not impressed” face.

2 business-catPhoto Credit: http://kilobravoinspired.blogspot.com
2. Business Cat

Business Cat is super simple to do! You only need to wear a white button down shirt, tie, overcoat or vest and cat ears. Color or add some craft paper to a cardboard square that can rest behind your head. Stroll around with bug eyes and discuss business things like having to work late in light of the fact that you need to catch that red laser dot.

 
 
1 overly-attached-gfPhoto Credit: http://imgur.com
1. Overly Attached Girlfriend

Time to get dreadful! Put on your best creepy smile, a green shirt and append a cardboard background to your back. You might want to print out expressions of your fave OAG phrase to step it up a notch!

 

👠 LADIES!  Look at These! WOW! 👠
Some of these are REALLY COOL!

1 Interesting-Shoes

Because Kids Need More Than Treats For Halloween!

Have a BLAST FREAKING OUT YOUR KIDS This Halloween LOL

1 THUMB enhanced-15181-1412616633-7Picture Credit: Buzzfeed
1. How to put your “head” in a jar, then leave it in the refrigerator for the kids to find.
1 anigif_enhanced-buzz-31351-1412370514-10Photo Credits: Instructables.com

1 c large enhanced-buzz-13804-1412370807-4(1)

2. “Spider Chip Cookies.”
2 edit-12076-1412372083-5Photo Credit: dumpaday.com

Kick it up a notch… tell your kids a little bit before serving them, that you found a bunch of spiders in the kitchen that morning!

3. Scare the crap out of the  kids.

3 enhanced-6422-1412374406-19Photo Credit decoradvisor.net
4. Top it off with a real scare when they reach for the toilet paper.
4 edit-29390-1412470811-4Photo Credit: epicpix.com
5. Hang this Boogie Man made out of construction paper at the end of a dark hallway.
5 enhanced-buzz-14707-1412372390-8Photo Credit: sniderwriter.com

Then you say: “Okay, buddy. Why don’t you go brush your teeth before bed.” (Waits for scream)

6. Fake cockroaches in your kids’ cereal box.
6 enhanced-buzz-26084-1412383857-4Photo Credit: ecx.images-amazon.com

Personally, I think this is a little traumatic, they might not trust cereal again lol!

7. Put a ghost made simply from chicken wire in your yard.
7 enhanced-buzz-19313-1412373360-4Photo Credit: wackyarchives.com
8. Use toilet paper rolls to put glowing eyes just outside your kids’ bedroom window.
8 enhanced-buzz-30270-1412374928-11Photo Credit: juxtapost.com
9. Make yourself Scary! Wake your kids up on Halloween wearing plastic fangs and horns.
9 enhanced-17536-1412382875-1(1)Photo Credit: Flickr: not-so-much / Via Creative Commons
10. Get an “Undead Ted” and hide it secretly with  your kid’s stuffed animals.
10 enhanced-buzz-19453-1412375383-8(1)Photo Credit: undeadteds.com

Again, not sure this is a good idea, but it is a funny thought!

11. Freak your kids out by eating a bowl of creepy worms.
11 enhanced-buzz-2389-1412376622-4(1)Photo Credit: instructables.com

Make delicious, edible worms. This formula is straightforward and a great idea for Halloween, April Fool’s, or whenever you crave nibbling on wormy goodness!

Ingredients:
2 packs (3 oz) Raspberry jello
1 pkg unflavored gelatin (for additional solidness)
3/4 mug whipping cream
3 mugs bubbling water
15 drops green sustenance shading
100 adaptable straws (or enough to fill your holder)
Tall holder (1 quart or 1 liter container of milk)

Instructions:
1) Mix Jello in dish and add boiling water.
2) Let it cool to lukewarm and after that add the whipped cream and 15 drops green food coloring.
3) Assemble your straws (remember to flex them out) and place them in the container. It’s critical that the straws have a tight fit so the jello stays in the straws. Thus, a 1 liter container may work best; you will most likely get longer worms subsequent to there is a tighter fit. In the event that you have a larger container, an elastic band around the straws is useful. On the other hand you could simply add more straws to fill the holder.
4) Add the Jello mixture to the straw-filled holder and let it set until firm.
5) There are numerous ways you can expel the worms from the straws. You use a rolling pin over the straws and squeeze them out or you can hold the straws over warm water. The worms will slip right out.

12. Hang a talking tree decoration on a tree outside.
12 edit-698-1412573055-14Photo Credit: spirithalloween.com
13. Pack a “bloody” hard boiled egg in their lunch.
13 enhanced-buzz-28446-1412438643-11Photo Credit: justataste.com

To make this palatable art in your home, you’ll require:

One dozen eggs
A push-pin
A few boxes of Jello
A fine pastry tip
Duct tape

Start by utilizing the push-pin to cut two little openings in opposite ends of one egg.
Blow the egg whites and yolks out of the egg (you may need to increase the size of the opening on one end), and afterward completely wash it out with hot water or boil the shells. Remember that eggs can convey salmonella, so the hotter the water and the stronger the pressure, the better.
When completely cleaned, apply duct tape firlmy (or any other very strong tape)over one of the holes. Place the egg, tape-side down, back into the egg carton and repeat this process with the other eggs.
Mix up the Jello according to package directions and insert the pastry tip into the top opening of the emptied out eggs and pour in the Jello until the egg is full. The Jello will be hot, so pour the jello very slowly and carefully to make sure that the eggs do not overflow..
Put the container of eggs in the refrigerator and chill them until the Jello has completely set, no less than three hours. When firm, the kids will break off the shells and you can watch with delight!

14. Turn a regular photo into a haunted one with a ghost image using the Camera Hoax app.
14 Camera HoaxPhoto Credit: instagram.com
15. Pose as a harmless scarecrow decoration on your porch.
15a anigif_enhanced-20014-1412444470-9Photo Credit: YouTube

15 banigif_original-grid-image-12311-1412445506-7

Photo Credit: YouTube

Catch your kids off guard, jump up and give them a good fright!

16. Give your kids a chill by chilling their drinks with creepy cubes.
16 enhanced-buzz-5565-1412399680-7Picture Credit: peppermintcreative.com
17. Write a scary message with liquid dish soap on the bathroom mirror.
17 edit-1240-1412381365-10Picture credit: practical-jokes.wonderhowto.com
18. Make your mirror haunted.
18 enhanced-buzz-31484-1412397157-4Photo Credit: blogger.com

You’ll Need:
One 30 x 44 inch glass picture frame.2 jars of mirror splash paint by Krylon
1 dark acrylic paint
1 crackle medium
1 ivory paint
printer paper

Print life-sized photographs of Victorian children in black and white and black out their eyes.
Cut them out and glue with mod  podge lue to the glass.
Wet your fingers and rub a some of the paper away from the ink along the edges to soften the “cut-out” impact.
Spray the back of the glass (back of the pictures as well) with glass paint. Don’t stress over making it too perfectly even on the grounds that you can make an aged glass look out of the blemishes.
Paint picture frame black. Let dry.
Paint with crackle medium. Let dry.
Top coat frame with ivory paint and it will crackle in minutes.
Set glass back into the frame.
Hang.

19. Hide your hand in a candy bowl.

19 enhanced-buzz-24901-1412382144-4

Picture Credit: ABC.com

Cover a large cardboard box with a plastic table cloth so it would seem like a table, then cut a hole in the top. Put a treat dish (with a hole in the bottom of it also) on the table, then cover up underneath. At the point when your child takes a sweet, reach up and snatch their wrist!

20. Install a Bloody  Kool-Aid Shower.

20 edit-9644-1412443081-26

Picture Credit: YouTube

Here’s How:

21. Sticky eyes on the food in the refrigerator.
21 enhanced-buzz-17666-1412470000-4Photo Source: reddit.com
22. Put a scary mask on your kid’s pillow.
22 enhanced-buzz-31245-1412472577-10Picture Credit: funny-pictures.picphotos.net
23. Stick press-on nails on hot dogs.
23 enhanced-2357-1412571860-5Picture Source: BuzzFeed

Then put the “appendages” around the house for your kids to stumble upon.

 

WOW! You will be AMAZED! These are JAW DROPPING!

With more individuals getting to be perfectly capable at altering pictures with software programs such as Photoshop, it can be very tricky to tell whether what you see on the web is true or fake. While more often than not your doubt is presumably going to serve you well, now and then you may be in for a bit of a stun. These 25 pictures you won’t accept weren’t Photoshopped will likely do that.


Source: YouTube